Bina's Pad

Missed Me???

2011-07-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!!

For those of you who have wondered where I have been, I am safe and well over at my new blog digs over on WordPress:

www.binaspad.net

If you still want to follow Bina's Pad blog (and I hope you do!!!), you can do it from blogger by adding my new blog site to your dashboard. Click "Add" while on your main dashboard page...then choose "Enter by URL" and then enter http://www.binaspad.net/ into the space provided and then click "Follow".

Also, I have set up a FaceBook page www.facebook.com/BinasPad where you can "like" and follow my blog updates...and if you hurry up to follow the blog there, you can be entered to win a brand new copy of Angela Hunt's newest title "The Fine Art of Insincerity" that I will be giving away when the page hits 50 followers.

I have missed seeing those of you that I have gotten to know thru this blog...and I hope to see many of you over at my new place :)

Looking up as always...
...bina...

Moving The Pad

2011-05-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

It is something I have been thinking about for awhile...

...something I have been a little nervous to take on cuz it means change (shudder) and learning new things (gross).

...but it is something that I finally have decided I am ready to do.

That's right.

I am moving my blog.

I realize that means I might lose some of my readers (boo) and that those of you who get this via email will need to re-register at the new site (sorry!!)...but I have had my fill of the blogger. I will be keeping this blog live for awhile to allow the cross-over...

I hope I will see you over at my new home: www.binaspad.net ...and that you will forgive me the hassle you have to go through to keep up with me.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

Honesty Stinks

2011-05-11T12:47:00.001-07:00

This isn't an easy thing for me to admit in a public forum, but it is where I am right now and since I am sincerely seeking change in my life, being open and real will only help me move forward...so honesty, it is...durnitall.

Food is a stumbling block for me.

I go to it when I am happy,
when I am sad,
when I am overwhelmed,
when I want to relax,
when I am awake...

About a month ago, I reached out to God in a very real way (...unlike all the times I prayed about wanting to change while knowing in my heart that I was gonna get up and go grab a bag of Doritos before my tv show started...) and I really felt His presence with me on it. I heard His call to action and knew what I needed to do in order to get up and out of this pithole...but the problem is that in order to DO all that, I have to believe.

I have to believe in Him...and His promises to me.
I have to believe in myself...and who I am in Him.
I have to believe in the process...and accept change.

Fast forward to now, a month later, and I find that I am still struggling to really let myself be sold out to the belief that if I let go...He won't let me fall. What irritates me isn't that I haven't sold out (cuz I know that I am a slow learner)...no, what gets to me is that what I AM sold out to is a lie...a distortion of truth that says "what He asks of you is harder than staying right where you are."

Really???

Cuz knowing I have gained weight in the last month, instead of losing, makes me feel shame. The fact that I am wearing the biggest size jeans I own makes me feel disgust. The reality that I have been clinging to a lie shows me that I have, therefore, turned my back on Truth and that pains my heart.

Staying where I am is NOT easier...it is safe and it is known...but it also a cop-out and an excuse that allows me to not do anything that I don't want to do...which is also sin.

...ouch...

I don't write this for sympathy or for validation...but rather, I write it because it is real and it is my "now"...and I write it because while not everyone struggles with food, we all have something we just can't seem to get out from under and I can only pray He uses it for His glory and someone else's good.

I write it because I know that I have truly found hope in returning to His feet...in laying it all out for Him, once again unpacking my emotional backpack for Him to sort thru. It has been in the last 24 hours that I have seen Him move and comfort in a way that leaves me trembling and tearful...not out of shame, disgust or pain...but rather out of the humble realization that He loves me despite my disbelief and because I am His.

Today, I am dusted off and walking His path again...and I thank Him that He walks here with me, my best Friend and sweetest Guide.

"You will seek Me and find Me when you seek with all of your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity." Jer 29:13-14

What about you? Are you struggling to let go of something even though you know it is hurting you? How can you reach out to Him in order to find a glimpse of hope in your situation?

Looking up, as always,
...bina...

The Voice...on Finding Heaven

2011-05-05T16:06:00.001-07:00

...spring feet...

"It is something I have known since as far back as my memories will take me.

Constant...

Real...

A part of my daily life that was expected...

and taken for granted in ways that I can, only now,

see through the lenses of perspective and maturity..."

...wonder what "it" is that I am talking about??

Well, Jen honored me with a request to write a guest post over at her place during her "31 Days Closer to Hearing God's Voice" series, so I hope you will pop over to Finding Heaven to read more...and, hopefully, keep going over during her series as she has amazing words of wisdom and deep challenges posted each day on what it means to hear from God.

Looking up as always...

...bina...

a broken hallelujah

2011-05-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

i pray, Lord, for You to hear my call...that you wouldn't ignore my cries, but that You would really hear me. and if i may presume upon Your grace even further still...that You would answer me.

my thoughts tug and pull at me...like a war being waged against my senses and sensitivities until i am left cold...
tired...
worn...
and all-at-once unsure of the girl i was just a moment ago.
with one single sideways glance, my gaze rips from what's sure and latches onto insecurity and self-doubt...and suddenly i am plunged from riding atop the peaceful waves to sinking fast beneath the violent currents.

i stagger for breath...but even as tiny, barely helpful bursts of oxygen find my lungs, my mind screams out and remembers You...and i know that it is the voice of the enemy that seeks to destroy me this way...so i fight to recall the tones of Your whispers that say i am Yours.

and so...i come now, laying it all out at Your feet...my tears having bathed this offering in bitter saltiness from the innermost confines of my heart. but i lay it down because it isn't mine to hold...
no, never mine to own...
i lay it down because i know that this moment was a gift that You allowed to be tossed in my direction in order to train me to let go...
to be still...
to know what i say i know.

so i lay it down because i know You and i trust what You are:

my Sustainer,
my Defender
my Salvation.

YOU are mine...and i, oh how can it be true, am Yours.

i lay it down and i sing out my broken hallelujah as i smile to see You coming even now, to my rescue.

"Cast your burden on the Lord

and He will sustain you;

He will never permit the righteous

to be moved."

Ps 55:22

Joining in with the group...

...pop over to see what's up.

Looking up as always...

...bina...

...confession...

2011-04-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

...bina & my furry pal...

confession...
real-life squirrels scare me due to the fact that i got chased by one as a small child...very tramatic...that pic was therapy.

confession...
blue, green and purple are my favorite colors...bet you couldn't tell that...

confession...
the idea for this type of post isn't original, as i swiped it from carlotta ... since they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, i pray she knows how amazing i think she is...because of this...and, well, because she is.

...a ladybug & a boybug...

confession...
i secretly would love to be a photographer...

confession...
I am a Star Wars-aholic...and often use the insults from the movies in my everyday conversations, which is awkwardly irritating when i have to explain them to non-followers.

confession...
sometimes i really do know what i am supposed to do, but just decide to not do it. like...i know that one should probably twist the toothpaste cap back on and not just set it beside the tube in the cabinet...or that one shouldn't drink from the same milk carton that one just swatted a boy's mouth off of, say, just a few moments before...or that certain reality tv shows probably aren't the most intelligent of time fillers...or that admitting such things in a public forum could be a problem later on...ahem

...what??? I followed directions!!!...

confession...
i actually have days when i really do think i have it all together. yes, i know exactly how horrible that sounds when written out, but i can assure anyone reading that i don't mean it to be as egotistical as it sounds. i simply have moments...blips of time really...when the banter in my head and world dies down enough that i can clearly sense His presence and leadership in my life and i am assured i am headed in the right direction.

confession...
...those moment don't happen often enough and the time in-between leaves me feeling as though i am not enough or that i have somehow failed in my mission to be the "good christian" that we all believe we are supposed to be from time to time...and then i wonder, although i already know the answer, if i am alone in this depression that comes from Godly-sense-deprivation due to chaos unleashed.

confession...
i adore ladybugs...so much so that finding one crawling thru the grass will cause me to try to capture it so that i can speak to it as it moves across my skin...and i really do call them mister bugs more often than not. it is mainly because i watched disney's bugs life movie and really felt for the guy-called-a-lady just because his "type" was classified with a female name...a slight injustice that i wonder if the name creator ever stopped to consider.

...misterbug luv...

confession...
i am a little too preoccupied, most days, on what other people think about me. sounds normal (i've been told) but it is somewhat irritating as it leaves me on-edge and preoccupied...about myself...and yeah. i don't like it.

confession...
i had a love-hate relationship with Lent this year. i struggled with the daily posting...sometimes not able to articulate any of what i was truly feeling or sensing. it was been such a deep and constant churning within me to keep this up day after day...and yet, even on the days when i sat down with no clue as to what to say, i got up so amazed by the holy spirit's ability to take the "duh" in me and turn it into "ta-duh" from Him.

confession...
i hate a certain store (which shall remain nameless, but uses the colors blue and white in its logo) but when i discovered that they alone sell my most favorite banana popsicles...i have visited not once, not twice, but three times in order to stock up our freezer. it will kill me when it gets out to certain people with whom i most often battle the blue&white verses red&white fight.

...got any confessions of your own???

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...finished...

2011-04-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

Lent, Days 39 & 40

...on a side note, I had one of my worst EVER asthma attacks Thursday night and have been attempting to find my brain enough thru all the meds to post the final edition of the Lent Celebration. I am sorry it is late going up...but am very happy with the perspective He has given in me in waiting for it...

I have a massive problem in letting things go "unresolved" when it means something to me. Could be a relationship that had a falling out...maybe it is wanting to reach out when God says "not now"...sometimes it is that I am being treated unfairly but nothing I do will make it better so I just have to do...nothing. Lent, for me, this season was ALL about letting go of the unresolved and getting the honor of seeing His amazing hand solve what I haven't been able to.

Easter weekend was a time of reflection, celebration and realization for me that can be summed up by one simple verse: "And behold, Jesus met them and said, "Greetings!". and they came up and took hold of His feet and worshiped Him." (Matthew 28:9)

...empty...

From Friday to Sunday...I bowed, I praised, I pondered and I considered all that He accomplished in me.

And while that was amazing enough, He also allowed me to see the changes in those around me...situations and relationships I had given up control over suddenly became controlled by my Defender and my Rock...and He allowed me to witness and partake in the joy of knowing He had worked...for me.

Lent is now over...and Easter has come and gone...but my heart is changed by the experience and I am so thankful that He allowed me even a simple glimpse of all that He is!

My father's hands

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to go along with me on this journey...this celebration of Lent started back here.

Comments are now open again so drop me a line if you get a chance!!

Hugs to you all!

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...good...

2011-04-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 38

Today is the day in which most Christians will remember...reflect...reserve as a moment in time when everything changed.

Today is a day that we call "Good Friday"
...good because His love sacrificed.
...good because His love demonstrated.
...good because His love knew no bounds in reaching out.
...good because His love took the risk, knowing we could still say "so what?"

Today is the day when my family will gather with our church body
...to pray.
...to worship.
...to bow our hearts together as one.
...to collectively thank Him for all that He did to make us a part of His family.

Today, although bittersweet to me as I acknowledge all that I have done that made His sacrifice necessary, is indeed...good.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...cross...

2011-04-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 37

Last night, a few of us gathered at our church to prepare for the musical portion of our Good Friday service. I entered thru the doors as my normal self...smiling, laughing and ready to practice. Nothing unusual or all that exciting...until one of the gals pointed to the corner of the large room and I saw them standing there.

The reminder of why this special practice was happening. The symbol of why Good Friday is remembered. The purpose of this celebration here on my blog...the one thing I had forgotten in the chaos of my own emotions and walk with God. I had forgotten...looked away...misplaced my reason for even doing what I am doing over this past (almost) 40 days.

As my eyes stopped to behold the trio standing, tall and massive in the corner of the room...my heart skipped a beat as it remembered...as it focused once again...as it bent itself in worship.

And as we sang, the lyrics stayed in my head...playing out even now...
"May I never lose the wonder, the wonder of the cross.
May I see it as the first time, standing as a sinner, lost.
Undone by mercy and left speechless, watching wide-eyed at the cost.
May I never lose the wonder, the wonder of the cross."

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...stuck...

2011-04-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 35...and Day 36

Is this cheating?

Maybe it is...but putting the two days together like this is the only way to really describe where I am at.

Pondering
Wondering
Arguing with myself and what I know
Stuck in between here and where I need to go
The Rock is Him and the Hard Place is me...
and I just battle to out from in between.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...friends...

2011-04-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 34

I love Saturday's post even more now, as I sit here to type out today's response...days (and much needed perspective) later...and all I can do is laugh a bit at the thought that I had to stand to gear up for this week. Boy, did I ever.

You see, in all actuality, I am my own hardest puzzle to solve...

God prompts my heart with:
"I want you to __________ in order to show Me your heart about _________"
and I ~~may~~ vent ~~a little~~ about how I feel about the requested changes, but I know He prompts because He loves me and has a greater perspective on the situation...so I say yes and will follow thru to the end.

That part is clear.

But, God prompts my heart with:
"I want you to ________________ because I asked you to"
and I do the same as above except for the fact that, within a few days to a week, I talk myself out of it and soon revert to my old ways.

Irritates me to no end that I quit because the bottom line is that this is still the same God...still directions given out of love and greater perspective...still the same heart that hears it all...so WHY is it that I can't stick with it when it is simply "because I asked you to"??

Lucky for stubborn little me...God has placed friends in my life who can call it as they see it, which is highly and irritatingly necessary for one such as myself. I really am tempted to not show my answers...but seeing as how my point was to be honest about where I am each day and the fact that I can't seem to stop typing about this lesson from today...I guess I am going to lay it out...yeah.

Her: "Ok. So...let's simplify...
where's your focus right now?"

Me: "On my inability to control this."

"...and where is that located?"

"...on myself..."

"So since you have stopped worshipping God
to focus on your control (or lack of it)
...you have made an idol out of the issue."

"..............."

"When He doesn't tell you why He is asking you to do
something, He is basically saying "Take up your cross
and follow Me on this"...and you are saying
"Not unless you give me a good reason."

"..............."

"Do you need me to say more or you wanna pray?"

"...i hate you."

"Uh...you called me, yes?"

"I know...i meant to say i love you, but

it just slipped out...

you know?"

"Yes...I know..
It'll be my turn to hate you eventually....
Let's pray."

I love relationships of little words because they are rooted in the love that comes from a common knowledge of Christ...and in an open understanding that Truth is more important than flattery when sin is the issue.

I love that I wrote from my heart on Saturday...because today that feeling I had makes so much more sense.

I love that God loves me enough to keep working on me...and enough to give me a friend who can see it so clearly, even when on the other end of a phone...and enough to soften my heart to learn a lesson that changes my direction in life.

(...and I love that I can say "I hate you" and she can hear "I love/need/respect/thank God for you, my friend"...because I so do!!)

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...a moment...

2011-04-16T23:34:00.001-07:00

Lent, Day 33

Sometimes, when I am almost to my pre-determined destination...I stop.

...bina...
(or, rather, what I would look like at this age)

As if drawn by an invisible force, I slow down...

going from a sprint

to a jog

to a walk

to nothing.

Just standing...

staring...

suddenly contemplating what is needed to finish the last leg of a race that had, up to that point, been run with such non-thought out enthusiasm.

Today it hit me.

Only 7 more days (well six actually, but I want to make my final post on the first day after Lent is over) but only a week more before this season is over. In some ways, it seems like forever since I began...but in others, it seems like it has always been this way. Me, Him and a daily plan that doesn't include knowing what everyone and their mother is up to...and them not knowing about me either.

I do admit that there is such freedom in being UN-social media-lized. Being able to rely on the fact that it is restricted from my day-to-day activities is beyond a blessing, as I am out of the madness that comes when addicted to something.

So I stand here, at a resting point as I gather up the energy needed to move forward...to face the last stretch that leads me up and out of this fasting season and back into "normal life"...

...and I wonder if anything will ever be this sweet again.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...merciful graces...

2011-04-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 32

My smiles today came in pieces...like envelopes in the mail, opened one by one, I found personalized moments of joy sent just for me.

They came in small, calm waves...and they wash over me now, refreshed and renewed...and I smile again.

In his not one...not two...but three phone calls to remind me that he loves me.

In the new-to-me Fossil handbag that I was so admiring on Ebay, purchased by a great mom-in-love...given a month before my birthday because she hates waiting as much as I do.

In silly banter between me and the eldest of our brood as I pulverized her in a game of Words With Friends.

In our son's willingness to push the cart thru the grocery store as we filled the cart with yummy goodness for a night at Grandma's house...and his willingness to load the car so I didn't have to lift anything "too heavy" for me.

In watching the kids work their little pah-tooties off, cleaning for Grandma...only to enjoy the thrill of jumping off the diving board into the refreshing blue, California warmed swimming pool.

In sharing my heart with a mom-in-love, who is also one of my most cherished friends.

In knowing that one niece gave up her bed, just for me...and that the other gave up hers so she could share the room with me.

They wash over me fresh and I find my heart renewed and ready for another new day...full of His merciful graces...gifts I don't understand or deserve.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...sure...

2011-04-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 31

The time here winds down as the end of forty days comes within sight...and while a large part of me is completely amazed that I could stick with something this long, a bigger part of me is blown away by the fact that He sticks with me...

It really hits me now as I sit here, ready to write and a song by Bethany Dillon begins to play on my iPod...not one of her chart-toppers or even one that ever made it as a single on the radio as far as I know...but as it plays thru my headphones, I find myself transported to a park bench on a grassy hill under the cool shade of a towering tree.

"Are You Sure?" seems to be a song she wrote to a person, maybe a love or a possible love...and yet, I hear my own walk with God in the haunting melody and the bitterly-honest lyrics. She opens up all she fears and hopes as she allows her voice to float along on the tune that plays simply sweet in the background...and as I allow myself to drift along with her, I can see myself on that bench...heart openly longing to be reassured that no matter my faults, love is still there...real...and sure of its place in my life.

I've written You a lot of songs

the kind you write on rainy days

unrequited love

But now I'm humming a different tune

just twelve hours ago

I was sitting on a bench with You

And I've never heard something that sweet

...but are You sure You want me?

I tried to say, I want this to work

and yet take off the weight

if You change your mind, I won't hurt forever

Because I don't know what else to do

but I'd do anything to have three more hours on a bench with You

I've never heard something that sweet
...but are You sure You want me?

Cuz everything within me doesn't want to risk
doesn't want to risk anymore
but if it means I get to see the light in Your eyes
I'll risk so much more

And I've never heard something that sweet

...but are You sure?

I won't be full of second guesses

So now I'll just sit and think about how sweet it is

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...tears...

2011-04-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 30

This one goes up late...
I could list a variety of reasons why I didn't post it right away, but the bottom line is still the same:
I didn't. And now...I am a day off track...but I will make due with what I have left.

I have difficulty crying at the right times.

I cry in the heat of frustration...while watching a very moving scene in a movie...or, I am embarrassed to admit, at sappy commercials when my hormones decide to cry mutiny against me. And, while these may not seem like odd times for the waterworks to turn on, it leaves me bewildered at myself when I don't have tears in the moments when they would seem most needed. Moments like a daughter who is sobbing over heartache...the look of unshed water in the eyes of my husband as he holds her brings me to a point where I give comfort and love...but the tears just don't seem to come.

It makes me feel like I am bad...wrong...somehow emotionally disconnected in the very places I should be most plugged in. I am a mom...and a rather over-emotional woman (if you take my husband's good natured word for it)...so why don't I cry in real moments like that???

This is something that has plagued my heart over the last week...probably a lot more than it should, but as no answers seemed to come, I found myself closing off a bit. Regressing and pulling back into a shell of self-doubt and coldness...because I was believing the truth that said because I don't cry "right", I am not good enough.

Stupid, right?

Amazing what we believe in odd moments of vulnerability.

So last night...I sat on an over-stuffed couch, in the midst of six other amazing woman, bowed in prayer. A devotion taken from the 23rd Psalm had just been read and the first lady was in the midst of her prayer when a soft whisper fluttered over my lap and up into my ears: "Come to Me...I give you rest."

So real and so alive...I lost myself to her prayers as I just allowed that to play over and over again in my mind...until I realized it was my turn. I opened my mouth and words poured out, lifting this sweet woman upwards...until it was time to pray for myself. Again the whisper came: "I give you rest"...and I was undone. Tears flowing non-stop, salty and warm, gushing forth from a heart long over-due them, pouring out from a riverbed full...and I knew that this was the right time to cry.

I realized that it doesn't matter when I cry but rather where I share my pain...and sometimes a mom has to hold back in order that others may feel free to fall apart, knowing that there will come the right time and the right place to give in.

For the women...the prayers...and the tears, I am so very thankful.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...smile...

2011-04-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 29

...a personal psalm...

Who is like You, Lord?

In all the world, the confusion swirls

and the evildoers seem to walk free.

Creation, forgetful of its Maker;

Love, ignorant of its Foundation...

Injustice prevails in companionship with wickedness

and the pain mounts in the hearts of the just

whose ways are focused on You.

O Lord above all others,
You show Yourself in the sweet nectar of the bees
and in the mighty clash of the fire held in clouds above.
Your nature is reflected in the bounty of spring blossoms
and Your love is captured in the devotion of a nursing mother.
Your whisper echos even as Your holiness roars,
Your love ever longing,
reaching and desiring a heart willing to try to hold it all.

You raise Yourself above the heavens,
Your eyes ever searching thru all of mankind;
seeking the one who will remain steadfast,
who will not lose sight of Truth's whisper.
Ever failing, I bow myself at Your feet;
I lay out my broken past,
pour out my muted devotion to Your ways
and pray that it is enough to find Your favor.

Father, You alone can form what was my useless shame
into a shining representation of Your glory.
Not concerned with the time or work needed,
You form this clay pot into an artful vase,
ready to pour out Your love and glory.
Like a river of grace and mercy,
You flow from this tender flesh as love,
winding and calling to another in need of Your peace.

Who is like You, Lord;
who else could take a tear
and create a smile so wide
it pains me to keep it upheld??
For Yours alone is the kingdom and the glory;
for Yours is the fragile body, mind and soul...
Yours and, prayerfully, never mine
ever again.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...i know...

2011-04-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 28

I know I seem so "down" and out but, while my heart is indeed heavy, I find that a peace has taken root in a battle-weary soul...and I can't help but smile as I see the Son peeking out from behind the clouds.

I know that Lent is coming to an end soon and so, in an effort to pull me from the path, my enemy is doing his durndest to get me to just give up...camp off to the side of the pathway...find the battle no longer worth holding onto.

...and...

I know I just posted a song video, but there are times when I find myself lacking in words to express my heart in the midst of physical/emotion fatigue...and this is another that I turn to in order to remember where my real focus is.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...faith...

2011-04-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 27

...it was a very hard day,
surrender being put into practice...
reality coming into focus...
but I come out embracing what I know:

...Faith...

Letting God be God

...even when it hurts

...even when it doesn't make sense

...even in the face of blessings that hurt

...knowing that He has a plan,

a promise

and a hope

for even the chaos that flows as we pull in close.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...surrender...

2011-04-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 26

Sometimes, God moves and I can find the words to explain what happened. Other times, I am left so moved and changed by the experience that words almost seem to diminish the exchange, somehow tarnishing it thru mere mortal expressions...and that was my day today.

I think that anyone who has been reading my recent posts can tell that I have been struggling internally...and as I took my walk today, I somehow found that I had the courage to finally let go.

Not an easy feat...but as the cool breeze wiped the tears from my cheeks, I could almost sense His tender, understanding smile thru the warmth of the sun, momentarily popped out from behind the incoming storm clouds. I lifted my face to soak up the sweet rays and as a soft grin worked its way across my face, I knew the biggest part of this battle was over...and He had won.

Quite honestly, knowing that I didn't run away from Him this time...
that I didn't seek out a path of my own making and cheat on my truest Love...
that the floods didn't sweep me away with their seductive charms...
all of that was so much more of a reward for me than anything else could even touch...
or so I thought.

What happened next is what I can't begin to explain...and so I won't try to translate it other than to say that I got a pre-heaven hug that enveloped my heart in a warm embrace this afternoon. I wish I could say more but you can be sure, I will never be the same again after it...because I now know, with the deepest of convictions, that the Lord is real...involved...and willing to bless the one who is willing to just surrender.

This is a song that I have been replaying over and over on my iPod as I have prayed, studied, rested and sought out His help in this process...and so I share it now as a meaningful altar of praise to my Father, Friend and Savior, without Whom I would be nothing.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...equals...

2011-04-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 25

She sits across from me, pouring out her heart.
Confession, confusion, childish humor...
mingling to create conversation
long over due
never too late.

    I listen until she is poured out,
    almost sixteen year old thought processes
    interweaving into a tapestry of desperation
    purely and simply pleading:
    "what am I worth?"

I call her beautiful
watching her eyes fill
tears heavy with doubt and longing,
salty from a desire unsatisfied...

and my heart cries out.

The injustice now laid bare

as this amazing creature

flesh of my flesh

blinks back the river of pain

once buried within, now flooding me over.

Pouring out like a river

I speak and her dam breaks open

emotion raw and rawness embraced

truth explained and fault accepted

we embrace to hold each other together.

I praise Him for this sweet gift.

We met here,

for just this sweet moment,

not as mother and daughter...

but as equals

women on this playing field of life.

On a side note...

I was notified that my blog is being featured

over on High Calling Blogs around noon on 4/7,

alongside a few other writerss.

I am so beyond blessed by this honor

and hope you will click the badge below

to pop over there to "meet" other great bloggers!

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...

...bina...

...an attempt...

2011-04-05T18:22:00.001-07:00

Lent Day 24

In the midst of trying to find balance within by seeking His wisdom, I have found myself wondering: Is it enough?

...I sometimes forget to praise thru the tears.
...I often babble on and on without letting Him reply.
...I usually show up frazzled and off-kilter.
...I can wander off, distracted mid-sentence.

So, is it enough that I came
...seeking and desperate...
despite not having it all together?

Well, praise God for good friends who give small books full of healing wisdom. I picked it up on a whim and opened to today's dated entry...and proceeded to cry tears of great joy.

"I meet you in the stillness of your soul. It is there that I seek to commune with you. A person who is open to My Presence is exceedingly precious to Me. My eyes search to and fro thoughout the earth, looking for one whose heart is seeking Me. I see you trying to find Me; out mutual search results in joyful fulfillment.

Stillness of the soul is increasingly rare in this world addicted to speed and noise. I am pleased with your desire to create a quiet space where you and I can meet. Don't be discouraged by the difficulty of achieving this goal. I moniter all your efforts and am blessed by each of your attempts to seek My face."

Written as words from Christ's mouth to the seeking heart, Sarah Young's book Jesus Calling shot straight thru the clouds of doubt and directly into my heart.

And I am thankful for the fact that I made an attempt in the face of all that works to pull me back.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always,
...bina...

...delivered...

2011-04-04T21:32:00.001-07:00

Lent, Day 23

Today's truth, still being learned:

In the face of insecurity and fear, there is choice: give up or look up.

After an absolutely amazing day with my family, I find myself here now face to face with a hurt from my past that is swelling up like a wave ready to submerge my present.

It came, bursting though my heart's door without any invite...bringing along fear, insecurity, and doubt (who just happened to be dating panic, who tagged along for the party).

I don't want them here...
but the funny thing about hurt is that sometimes...the harder we fight, the more we sink into the cold darkness. Like an alluring quicksand, it tangles us up in its muddy embrace, happy to watch us fight a battle not ours to take on.

I don't want to respond out of the swelling emotions...
but the more I try to restrain myself, the uglier my verbiage becomes...spewed like acid onto those around me who deserve so much more than what I have in me to give.

I don't like this...
but even as my heart squirms, I find myself lifting my eyes to focus on the place where Truth still reigns supreme and peace still lives, plentiful...within reach...and desiring to see me delivered from this pit.

I don't understand...
but I choose to look up because I know that You are all I have.

"Be of good courage,
do not fear and do not be afraid of them;
for the Lord your God,
He is the One who goes with you.
He will not leave you or forsake you."
Deut 31:6

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always,
...bina...

...addicted...

2011-04-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 22

the pulse of the pain
driving and pounding
over and over
memories and reality mingling
until i just can't remember
until i just don't want to
anymore

this is wrong

i know it and so do you

but you don't have to live here

you can look away and forget

you get to go home and smile

...it hurts being me

so much

everything i know

ripped away and thrown out

the Lord giveth and taketh away

and i am the one who has to deal

but i just can't this time

because this time, it hurts so deeply

i hate Him now

so judge as you must

go ahead and think i am a failure

i don't care about you anymore

ok, i do...but not enough to let go

because i know that if i let the lie win

eventually, it won't matter

not anymore

The fog of denial is thick, penetrating and surreal... Blotting out the reality of the pain thru the blissful ignorance of what was but is no longer, the one who drowns gives in to the wave of numbing relief...even as they give over the reality of their life. The worries that were just knocking fade away to mingle with yesterday and it just doesn't matter.

At least...for the one under the fray.

One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life is stand on this end of the flood and watch someone I love surrender to the undertow...not just because it hurts but also because I was once the one who was choosing to drown. Today, my heart is so heavy as I stand on the sidelines, powerless and broken...but my memory serves it well, recalling the promises of the Lord.

It has been years since He whispered them in my ear about this friend...but I know that that is but a second to Him who reigns. He hasn't changed and none of this was a surprise to Him as He watches her go under so I cling to Him now...
resting in what I know,
believing in what I can't yet see,
hoping for all that saves the one we both love
and I sing "holy...holy...holy. holy is the Lord God Almighty."

"In that day there will be an altar to the Lord in the heart of Egypt,

and there will be a monument to the Lord at its border.

The Lord will strike Egypt,

and then He will bring healing, for the Egyptians will turn to the Lord,

and He will listen to their pleas and heal them."

Isaiah 19:19, 22

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...here...

2011-04-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 21

I come here to stop...
   ...to find the end of the ramblings.
   ...to lose myself in what is and not what could be.
   ...to let go of the cumbersome weight that isn't mine to support.

As I lay myself down and gaze upwards into the heavens that seems to support earth's gravity with gentle ease, I am reminded of the grace that surpasses the heaviness in my heart. It is here that I find me... release from who I am by resting in all that You are.

I come here to breathe...
   ...in and out, freely and unrestrained.
   ...deeply, inhaling the sweet fragrance of Truth.
   ...finally willing to stop fighting what calls me to just let go.

The array of springtime color, stretched across vast skies causes me to focus in on what isn't about me. The stillness of the world created as a representation of Your glory causes my heart to beat in time with nature's...and I close my eyes.

I come here to live...
   ...forcing my mind to give up control.
   ...reasoning my with my heart to offer up what haunts it.
   ...bending my will until it snaps, dead in the face of Life.

Truth is truth regardless of my depedence upon it.

Truth is truth regardless of my living fully in it.

Truth is truth...
   ...and I come here to saturate myself in It.

Once again.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up as always...

...bina...

...betrayer...

2011-03-31T13:19:00.001-07:00

Lent, Day 20

"In the evening Jesus arrived with the twelve disciples.

As they were at the table eating, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, one of you eating with me here will betray me."

Greatly distressed, each one asked in turn, "Am I the one?"

He replied, "It is one of you twelve who is eating from this bowl with me. For the Son of Man must die, as the Scriptures declared long ago. But how terrible it will be for the one who betrays him. It would be far better for that man if he had never been born!"

As they were eating, Jesus took some bread and blessed it. Then he broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples...and he took a cup of wine and gave thanks to God for it. He gave it to them, and they all drank from it."
Mark 14:17-23

I have read this passage a gazillion times. Our pastor uses it at times for communion. So when it came up in my daily reading...I was tempted to gloss over it a bit.

You know how it is. "Yeah, yeah...I know this story so I will just skim it till I get to something new." But I opted to focus my mind to re-read it this morning...as I noticed something I hadn't before.

I LOVE it when scripture does that. It comes alive to show you a new view...almost like a friend that decides to share with you things that others don't know about her. You feel drawn into the story...trusted to see in inner workings of relationships and situations and...aaaand I just digressed.

What I realized this morning was this: Jesus sat there and said "One of you twelve, trusted friends is going to be the key player in my death."

He straight up called Judas out...and while scripture doesn't say that Judas wet himself in fear, I am pretty sure he did cuz, at this point, he already knew what he was planning to do. He already had it all worked out in his mind and had somehow talked his heart into going along with it...and Jesus, knowing the torment of guilt Judas had to be in, gave him a warning.

It was simple and it was direct..."I know what you are going to do...and trust Me, it isn't worth it."

How often has He given me that same warning??

How many times have I convinced myself that whatever sin I am about to commit, somehow it is worth the result??

And how often have I been like Judas...knowing He knows, hearing His warning, but turning a blind eye to the Truth???

And as I was sitting here, realizing how much of Judas I carry in my own heart...I was confonted with the love Christ carried for these men, including His betrayer.

He offered them all the cup and the bread. He offered them all a chance at relationship. He offered them all a glimpse at Truth...even knowing that for this one, it was already too late.

My eyes fill with tears as these words paint the picture of the betrayer in my own heart, often too late to give way to His pleading...

...and of the Savior, who loves me enough to warn and love me, even while knowing what is on my mind.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad
and why there are no comments allowed,
click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.

Looking up, as always...
...bina...

...factoids...

2011-03-30T23:34:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 19

Little known factoid about me...

I heart PB&J sandwiches, but I am very picky on how they are made. I love the peanut butter and jelly to be evenly spread out on their slice of bread so that there is the even taste of both in each bite.

This morning, as I packed my lunch...I made my sandwich with as much love as is possible for a...sandwich. I packed my perfectly made creation into a baggie and put in my favorite side...a bag of Doritos. Top it off with a fruit cup and...ohmigoodness yum! A lunch fit for a princess...and this princess was already looking forward to lunch time.

So...you can imagine my surprise when God whispered "Give your lunch to that guy on the curb."

I had stopped to grab a quick Snapple...the drink to complete lunch-o-perfection...and he was sitting by the entrance. I had gotten into the store without him saying anything to me, as I walked behind the column he was leaning up against. But it was while I grabbed the plastic bottle from the cooler that I heard the request fall...and I instantly brushed it off.

"He wants cigarettes or a beer, Lord. He doesn't want my lunch."

You can imagine the weight that comes in to land on you when arguing with God while waiting in line...and as I drove out of the parking lot, I felt the release of His hand from my neck. I would love to finish up here and say that I gave the guy my lunch and had the best of attitudes about following after His calling.

Yeah...no.

I did give the man my lunch...and I was right that he wanted a drink more than he wanted my lunch, BUT I actually had a great interaction with him as I gave him my brown bagged yumminess. That isn't the bad part. You see, I then spent the rest of my drive to my nanny-ing job complaining about not having a lunch to eat. I mean, I was joking (kind of), but I just wasn't all that impressed with what just happened.

I know...
I know...
I KNOW!!!

It is awful and oh-so-embarrassing to admit, but I have to in order to share the real ending of this story for me today.

Fast forward an hour...
little man is asleep in his bed and the Bible app is open on my phone...
my heart is ~~kind of~~ open and my whining has been put aside ~~for now~~.

Then...like the 2x4 I oh-so-often need...the words of Jesus jumped out of my phone and into my heart. They caused me to stop...realize my mistake...and moved me to confess my rotten attitude over what happened in that parking lot.

"Meanwhile, the disciples were urging Jesus,"Rabbi, eat something."
But Jesus replied,"I have a kind of food you know nothing about.
My nourishment come from doing the will of God,
who sent Me, and from finishing His work."
John 4:31-32, 34

Bigger known factoid about me...
I am far from perfect when it comes to following the calling of my Lord, often led astray by worry, pride or frustration...but when as I read His words today, spoken in a moment of teaching to His disciples, I can't help but fall in love all over again with a Lord who not only invites me to share in His love for others BUT also allows a stubborn heart like mine another chance at His grace.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...sweetest song...

2011-03-29T23:00:00.001-07:00

Lent, Day 18

It began as a simple chirp.

I was out on my daily walk, enjoying the blue skies of SouCali, asking God to help me be more aware...

more awake in my daily life so that I would be able to notice the world that lives around me. I was still speaking when the simple cry began and I lifted my eyes up to the treetops to find the source.

But before I could even figure out which tree housed the calling bird, I realized that while the sounds were melodic in nature...they seemed to be desperate and afraid, as the tone grew louder and louder.

As my eyes finally focused in on the branch that held the screamer, I saw wings that flapped up and down, over and over, as if the bird in question had a balancing problem. I wondered if he was injured or sick...until I saw, from down below, another bird swoop up high and watched the seemingly off-balanced wonder fly away.

That's when it hit me...as the black crow made its way from the heights of the tree to the roof of a neighboring house, I realized that the cries I heard were coming from a nest, buried within the limbs of that tree. What I first mistook as a sweet melody was actually the screams of a child for the protection of its mother against the invasion of the dark predator.

As I continued on my way, my ears stayed tuned in to the fierce chirp of the mother, now returned to her rightful place...and I actually found myself a bit choked up as a smaller reply echoed out. The voice, once screaming in agony and fear, now whispered out to join the strength of its protector as she stood guard over the nest...a song of safety and, by far, the sweetest song I have heard in a long time.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;

He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and will put their trust in God."

Psalm 40:1, 3

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...refocus...

2011-03-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 17

So...

I missed posting on Saturday...and I wish I had a great reason, but the reality is that I didn't know what to say. Somewhere between Friday and Saturday, my focus and my purpose in it all seemed to fade in light of the reality of my running from God. Funny how that happens.

The direction of this new path now in front of me, (and all subsequent running on my part) started about a week ago...

a drastic change...

a gutsy approach to an on-going battle I have been waging against myself...

a war that has been keeping me from total surrender to God.

It isn't that big a deal, as far as "wrong doing" goes...most women I know struggle in the same area...but it eats and pokes at me because I hate it...both "it" and that I have struggled as long as I have and not found resolution. And as I have twisted and turned against the actual reality of the situation (you know...the fact that it is, like, sin...) I have wound up getting trapped in the web of lies that were spun to do precisely what I allowed it to -

catch me up and leave me feeling helpless.

But yesterday, in church...He whispered and prodded at a heart already gone dead to the thought of freedom and blinded to the reality that I can be saved from it:

"Do you want to be healed??"

(On a small side note, I find it highly unfair that He will take words I posted about and use them against me. Highly unfair...although incredibly wise and wonderfully thought out. On second thought...very well played, Lord.)

And so I come here today...with a fresh outlook although I admit that I am trembling...and unsure...very much afraid, because I know very much that this is a faith venture...one that knows, yet still hopes, with all that I am that:

a) He knows what He is doing

b) that I won't blow it like I have every other time

and

c) even if I do, He can pick me up and keep me going.

from my journal...

i know You are calling me to just let go here...to surrender and find the freedom i most desire.

i also know that everything i am seeking lies at Your feet...with me bowed, humble and willing.

why

afraid?!?!

please...

i am begging You to just help me let go...

so i can be fully Yours and no longer my own.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...

...bina...

...joy...

2011-03-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 15

an out of town cousin, in for a visit

+

a group of friends, who also happened to be related to each other

a blue-jeweled tiara

a bunch of knights fighting it out in the pit

a time of laughter, blessing and joy

that I just don't deserve,

but just can't stop thanking Him for.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...

...bina...

...caught and romanced...

2011-03-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 14

I am going to be honest with you.

I have been sitting here for almost an hour...

writting a sentence and then erasing it...

creating a five paragraph post, only to realize I had no idea what I was trying to say...

starting down another thought trail, only to backspace it letter by letter, knowing I was going nowhere.

It isn't that I have nothing to say...anyone who has ever met me would tell you quite the opposite!! In fact, I know it is quite the oppposite cuz I have so much going on inside my heart and my mind that everything is fighting to be heard...leaving me struggling to make this fit with that.

And just when I was ready to just post something I meant (but not really)...the phone rang.

The caller and conversation that took place aren't what got my attention as much as the fact that the phone rang just as I was going to give up trying to write this post...and just as my eyes moved across the open page of my journal, grabbed in a last ditch effort to find anything that would cause mental focus enough to write.

The words, written in orange marker, seem to jump off the page...screaming "Post Me!!"...even as they melt into my mind, seeping over a battle-worn and tired heart...giving comfort and peace where there has

been nothing but chaotic chatter all day.

Jotted down in an in-between moment of silence a few mornings back, these words offer the meaning that I have needed but couldn't seem to find...

...and as I read them, I find a smile in knowing that He is there.

...He sees me and knows that I was searching, lost and unaware of where to go.

...and in prompting her to call me, He caught my attention and romanced my heart back His way.

And so...I give you: My Real Post

"My soul with expectation

depends on God indeed;

My strength and my salvation

doth from Him alone proceed."

(taken from my Lent devotional)

so many places i search -

when You alone provide

so many times i run -

when none from You can hide

i pray this heart be Yours

and all that trembles within

i pray You take me over -

that I'd never wander from here again.

(found inside my heart)

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...aware...

2011-03-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 13

There isn't much to be said today...

I took my daily walk with the cutie-pah-tootie that I nanny and I found myself silenced against the beauty that comes as a storm rolls down off the mountains and into the valley we call home. (We are just a biiit spoiled here in Sunny Cali...as "storm watch" means grab an umbrella and turn your headlights on.)

As the winds kicked up, my eyes moved to the skies...watching the vibrant blue give way to the white and grey. Clouds that fluttered...stretched...absorbed...bringing in the chilled air, pregnant with the anticipation of soon to come downpours.

As I stopped and watched the clouds march across the sky...and I found I had nothing to say.

...in aware and in total awe of the Master Painter...

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

(PS...have been attempting to publish my posts via Blogger Mobile, as I am not home during the day...attempting being the key word. Sorry that posts are going up late...)

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...prayer...

2011-03-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 12

...from my journal...

Lord, I struggle to let go and be changed.

A battle wages within,

raging always between balance and obsession,
never seeming to find peace.

But even so,
or maybe because of this,
I come here, now, ready...
...willing to hear...
eager to be taught...
seeking Your gifts.

Speak and fill me, I pray.

"When they see what I do,

they will learn nothing.

When they hear what I say

they will not understand.

Otherwise they will turn to me and be forgiven.

You (who hear and learn) are permitted

to understand the secret

of the Kingdom of God."

Luke 4:12,11

It is when I come,
open...honest...and real,
seeking You with all my heart,
that You will be found
and give me the peace
that gets me thru another day.

Thank You, Lord...
...amen.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...chosen...

2011-03-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 11

The water promised healing...or at least the stories surrounding it did.   They said that angels from the Lord came to dip themselves into the waters and once finished bathing, the first person to soak in the wet remnants of holy majesty will be healed...and so the multitudes came with the burning desire to be healed...
to be whole...
to be accepted...
by anyone...

The blind...the lame...the paralyzed...all gathered with the singular purpose to sense a gentle movement in the cool pool.

How many times they had been fooled by a sweet breeze?
How many times did the blind mistake a bird's wings for those of a heavenly bather?
How many times did they cry out in frustration and anger when they were beat by one who was faster...or closer to the edge?
How many had given up on ever making it into the water but didn't have the strength or the resources to leave?

The multitude, focused and forgetful of the world outside the pool, all sitting with their eyes fixed upon the calm cover of cool liquid...waiting and hoping...their common desire filling the air with a heavy sensation of heartbreak and abandonment.

Is that what caught His attention as Jesus passed thru the streets of Jerusalem?
Did His heart fill with the sadness of a group of people so broken that it caused Him to stop and move in their direction, His hands ready to heal all who asked?
How long did He stand and observe the hundreds laying out in the shade, eyes fixed in one direction, knowing they were looking the wrong way?
Did He clear His throat in the pure hope that any might look up and find true salvation from their pain?

We don't know how long He watched...but do know that as He stood among this group, His eyes did fall upon one particular man.

After 38 years of watching others be healed...of being shoved out of the way or stepped on by those who were faster and stronger...of realizing nothing was ever going to happen for him...Jesus let his eyes stop on this one soul who had given up all hope. In one glance, He knew everything there was to know about this man...and He simply asked, "Do you want to be healed?"

The Bible records a simple response from this man, but I imagine that his eyes, having been trained in one direction for so long, probably never left the water as he spoke, "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me." Having no idea that the presense of God was in his midst...the very One who created the angels that they all so desperately waited for...this man simply told his story, having no idea that in being the only one on the fringes of this pool to respond to Him, he alone would be rewarded. "Get up, take your bed and walk."

That's it.

No fanfare or massive showcases of power,
no screaming or yelling or crying out...
just a simple moment
    filled with simple words
      from simple lips
        falling on simple ears
           doing miraculous things.

He was healed...

...whole...

...fixed...

...acceptable...

...the man who had seemingly wasted four decades of his life trying to heal himself by staring at a pool had just been chosen by God.

...the man who had once been an outcast, forgotten and dirty, was now walking on new legs with a new chance at life because he had been remembered by the Almighty.

...the man, who probably thought of himself as nothing much, became such an amazing picture of salvation that his story stopped this girl in her tracks.

Bringing tears to my eyes and realization to my heart, I remember how often I sit, staring at a "pool of water" to save me when God stands right behind me, pleading with my heart to recognize the Savior in my midst...because I have been chosen as His.

"And you,

who were dead in your trespasses

and the uncircumcision of your flesh,

God made alive together with him,

having forgiven us all our trespasses..."

Colossians 2:13

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad
and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

(The story of The Healing at the Pool of Bethesda is found in John 5:1-16...I would encourage you to click the link to look it up as there is more to this man's story.)

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...wait...

2011-03-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 10

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,

We will wait upon the Lord,

We will wait upon the Lord.

...but it hurts to wait

tearing, ripping, burning thru my soul.

Lord, i don't want to feel this.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,

We will wait upon the Lord,

We will wait upon the Lord.

...but don't You see?

i'm breaking. i'm aching way down deep.

i can't do this.

Our God.

You reign forever.

Our hope.
Our strong deliverer.

...i can't get up.

everything hurts, spins and breaks me

i don't know what to do.

You are the everlasting God.
The everlasting God.
You do not faint, You won't grow weary.
...oh, Father, please

You're the defender of the weak.

lift me up to where You are so I can see what You see

You comfort those in need.

hold me close so i won't lose hope.

You lift us up on wings like eagles.

don't let go so i won't give in to fear.

oh my sweet Savior,
i believe that You are here...

i will trust what surrounds me instead of what threatens.

i will lean on what supports me and turn from what lies.

i will focus on what loves me and let go of what hates.

You are my Lord...and i will wait for You

...even tho it hurts.

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...

...bina...

...vulnerability...

2011-03-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 9

maybe i am naive in my hope

wishing

pleading

desiring

longing

cuz I really didn't expect to be back here

i look across and smell freedom

there

waiting

searching

calling out my name

so far removed from where i reside within

the gap that exists between logic and emotion

igniting

          straining
          hurting
          spinning out of control
          it breaks me till i want to stop fighting to care

                 when betrayal's fire touched my heart again
                  searing
                  penetrating
                  severing
                  breaking my heart
                  sensation begged to die and i want to let it

i really don't mean to be this way

silent

ignoring

reserving

staying out of the fray
but i just don't know how to do this with you

...again

and so i can offer is a whispered pleading:
breathe
fight
no...just breathe
...please
All you have to do is breathe Him back in.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Loving her...trusting Him...while looking up as always...

...and over...

2011-03-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 8

Fasting is hard.

It means that we choose not to allow ourselves to depend on one certain thing.

It means that we choose to let go of that thing in order to allow that hunger to become a neon sign that flashes "pray, pray, pray".

It means that we stop trying to feed on one thing in order that we might feast where we are meant to.

Really...truly...you have no idea how humiliating it is to confess that my fast of social networking was oh-so-necessary in my life.

Between FaceBook, Twitter (no, I didn't tweet often, but I did read what others had to say) and the need to have comments on the Blogger...well, I am ashamed to say that God was shoved to the back of my mind's bus more often than not. Forced to ride on the rear bench seat with other mental cast-offs...but only on the days that I remembered to even pick Him up!!

Yes...I know...

But while I am actually happy to have a release from the need for all those things...what I wasn't expecting was an increase in my emotional responses to things around me. They say that is natural when fasting...but who knew that included internet crap-o-la!!

Steel Magnolias was on the movie channel a few days ago...and when Julia Robert's life support was shut off, I found myself in a bawl fest that lasted until after the cemetary scene was over. Cuz really...?!?!?

Yesterday, I saw a woman who looked so much like my long passed Grandmother that I almost assaulted this stranger with a hug! Luckily logic stopped me from making a total fool of myself, but emotion flooded over and as I walked towards my car, I cried for her for the first time in years. I didn't even realize how much I missed her...

This morning I read a verse and emotion forced me to sit and re-read it over and over...and over. Each time my eyes moved over the words, a sound like a hammer against a stubborn nail went off...over and over...and over. Like He knew I needed that driven home...deep into a mind that knows his Truth, but needed to see it thru the fresh eyes of emotion laid bare:

"Christ suffered for our sins once for all time.

He never sinned,

but he died for sinners to bring you safely home to God.

He suffered physical death,

but he was raised to life in the Spirit."

1 Peter 3:18

He

Never

Sinned

Over and over...and over, that small segment plays out.

Simple truth for anyone who knows anything about the Bible, right??

But as I face the bitter reality that if He never sinned...it was my sin that put Him on a cross.

It was my lies, addiction, stubborn pride and rebellion that drove the nails and tore His heart.

Over and over...and over, I realize that He not only died for what I have done...but what I continue to...where I continue to mess up each and every day.

And just as it sinks in...

and I reach a point of deep sorrow within my chest...

...He lifts my chin to look upward again as He whispers:

"Yes, your sin put me there...but it was my love for you that kept me there.
Yes, I had to die to cover your sin...but it was worth it to bring you safely home to Me."

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...decade...

2011-03-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 7

A little over ten years ago, I met a man.

When I met him, I was a mess...in nearly every sense of the word.
I was 24, divorced, and a mom to three very small children. While I did love God and was attending church on a regular basis...I had no idea what it meant to love Him with "all my heart", nor did I have any concept of real Christianity.

When I met him, I was afraid...but only in the places no one saw.
I hadn't ever been alone in my life and to think I might be was...terrifying. The part where no one else would be there with me wasn't what made me shudder. No...it was knowing that all that I would be left with was me...and that left me cold inside because I didn't know who I was, but I knew instinctively that she couldn't be trusted.

When I met him, everything began to change...
and that is when God introduced Himself to my heart...
and the mess began to settle (although the cleaning process hurt deeply)...
and the fears started to melt away (although the heat needed to conquer the cold was highly uncomfortable)...
and the guarded girl that I was became a loving woman (although the destruction of my walls was the hardest thing I've ever done).

When I met him...

I met God, again...but for the first time...

and I praise Him for him every single day that He uses him to love me.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Praising Him for 10 years with him,
...bina...

...testify...

2011-03-15T16:53:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 6

They say that if one of the five senses is dulled or non-existent, the others rise up in strength...as if to make up for what you are missing.

I know that when I lay outside, my eyes closed against the bright sunlight, my ears begin to feast on the sounds that float by...ones that were invisible just moments before.

The murmur of bees...

the symphony of wind and leaves rustling as one...

      even the simple movement of grass as our dog marches thru to do his
      business...

   each sound fighting to be unique...

to announce themselves as if they have never been noticed by me before.

And all just because...

...I closed my eyes to what I can see with my eyes.

...I stopped assuming what each object should sound like based on what I know.

...I let it all speak to me, rather than shutting it off by visually acknowledging it.

Similarly...this week, by fasting in certain areas, I have found that God has sharpened my instinct for Him.

Now...

...my 5th misterbug this week...

I am jublilant to discover that the streak of light orange that fluttered by was a teeny-tiny ladybug... making it #5 on my misterbug-watch-list this week.

I am aware of the tightening of the Holy Spirit's lip-wires, as He pleads with me to let the perfectly-ready, totally-accurate biting remark die inside, rather than outside, my mouth.

I blissfully settle into the embrace of my children and husband, knowing that this love-so-amazing is simply a small representation of His. (...GLORY!!...)

I sit, amazed, when scripture, that was just black words on white paper, suddenly turns all technicolor and 3D, with amazing surround sound.

I am thankful where I was petulant.

I am aware where I was asleep.

I am in love where I was numb.

"...so I (lift my heart to also) testify that He is the Chosen One of God."

John 1:34b

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...parched...

2011-03-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

Lent, Day 5

How easy it is for the "honeymoon" to end...for the newness to wear off of the romance and the lure of "before" to pull itself back into view.

I spent yesterday feeling torn...

...today, I'm off-kilter inside...

...like I'm in a tunnel, one end exiting into level, balanced relationship with the object of my faith...while the other dumps into distraction and laziness...

and I stand in the center as the tunnel is lifted into the sky...shuffled back and forth, bursting with colorful noise, pulling my gaze from here...to there...and back again.

The tunnel, turned kaleidoscope...and me, unsure of anything other than the fact that I am not where I wanted to be!

...but WHY???

What was clear just two days ago suddenly seems fogged and muddied...

"What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, only turmoil." Job 3:25-26

What laid out as praise, now a desperate prayer to keep focused and aware...

"I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all Your works and consider what Your hands have done. I spread out my hands to You; my soul thirsts for You like a parched land." Psalm 143:5-6

Where I want to be seeming so far...and where I am, so lacking.

"I do not understand what I do...for what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate...I do." Romans 7:15

But what I still know to be true is that I am not alone in my battle for balance with my Maker...

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man..." 1 Corinthians 10:13a

...and my comfort comes in the desperate pleas of those who've walked this path before me and in the knowledge that I am not alone, even where I now stand.

"...And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13b

And so, I press on...parched and desperate...but only for the One who loves me best and knows me fully.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...princess...

2011-03-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

Lent, Day 4

I am such a little girl at heart.

I whisper the "I wish I may, I wish might" poem towards the first star I see in the sky when I take our dog our for his nightly necessities before bed.

I believe there is indeed a monster that could possibly pop out of the closet if the door isn't closed securely before we tuck ourselves in.

I talk to myself when I think no one is listening...and sometimes when they are, but I didn't realize it.

I refuse to look in a mirror when there are no lights on because I watched scary movies waaay too early in life.

And I still make wishes by blowing on pre-dandelions.

The little quirks that make up the person that is me...things that I have been doing for as long as I can remember.

The little childish traits that have carried over into my adultish life that make me smile when I think of them, as they are just me...and as I have spent time walking and talking with God over the last few days, some of those silly, little girl things have popped up.

I was literally in the middle of a prayer when the perfect pre-dandelion stood all alone in the middle of freshly cut grass...and before my adultishness could conquer the little girl who loves to skip free, I swooped over and plucked it up...closed my eyes, wished my wish and blew with all my might.

When I opened my eyes, I realized what I had done...and in the middle of prayer even!!

I stood there for a moment, feeling like a princess caught sneaking into the throne room to watch her daddy, the King, do His thing...

...but then I raised my eyes towards the heavens, a sheepish grin spreading over my face as I whispered "...but I wished that I wouldn't forget You over Lent. That's ok, right, Father??"

And as the breeze kicked up to cool the warm sun rays that were tickling my cheeks, I walked on feeling noticed and loved.

My heart seemed to feel His loving pat on my head...

My soul recognized that He shook His head in pure amusement...

My entire being confident that His hearty laugh could shake the heavens as the King took a moment to enjoy His princess daughter...

...who was just being her childish little self in the midst of being His.

And I?

....just the simple daughter of a King.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click over to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...captivated...

2011-03-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

Lent, Day 3

There are certain songs on my iPod that are my "old reliables"...

...songs that I can always count on to open my mind to creativity's sweet embrace and worship's perfect surrender...

...songs that never fail me as I seek to shut out the world and give myself over to those parts of me that get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Vicky Beeching's Captivated was on play all day, thanks to the memory banks left in my mind (that means that the kids and age hasn't killed it all off yet...yay me!!) so I figured that the best commentary I can give for today is hers...

...but while it is her voice and passion that creates this moment of song-so-sweet, it is our heart's recognition of our amazing Lord that makes it a moment of worship.

I pray you enjoy...

...both the song, the worship and the weekend...

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad
and why there are no comments allowed,

click over to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...
...bina...

...hungry...

2011-03-10T22:37:00.000-08:00

Lent, Day 2

...Nature's Bounty...

my heart is full of chaos that floods me over in waves of simple desire...

...to understand

...to fix

...to somehow control the overwhelming

emotions

the world, it spins like a merry-go-round, drunk and out of contol...

...twirling

...whirling

...merciless in its heavy demand for my

heart

but You...standing strong, as a lighthouse on the cleft of the rocks above...

...beckoning me in
...calling my eyes up
...begging me to just be still and know
Your name

o yes...

it is here that I find a place of rest even as I battle the hunger within...

it is here that I choose to lay down the constant desire to be fed that which my mind desires, choosing instead to be nourished by time, held in the arms of the One who seeks to satisfy the cravings of my soul.

"Even stong young lions sometimes go hungry,
But those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing"

Psalm 34:10

And I?

...just the simple daughter of a King...

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad
and why there are no comments allowed,

click over to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always,

...bina...

...monarch strength...

2011-03-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

Lent, Day 1

...A Misterbug, Undiscovered...

floating on the breezes while lifted by sweet currents, you bat colorful wings in time to the pulsing of the sun's heated rays...

circling and battling drafts so strong, you forge a chaotic path to a destination chosen...one that calls and draws you in to land...

laying there, simply calm and strong, you stare upwards for me as I move to pass by...your singular purpose: to stop me in my tracks...

O Father, You scream my name from the heavens knowing that as the sound falls thru the atmosphere, it will fragment into simply sweet whispers...

...whispers as pure as totally white stones on the ground at my feet

...whispers as engaging as chaotic ladybugs that flutter by my face

...whispers as impressive as a butterfly's monarch strength overhead

I hear You call...and I lift my face to smile, knowing I have your gaze's warm devotion and your heart's full love.

And I?

...just the simple daughter of a King...

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad
and why there are no comments allowed,
click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always,
...bina...

Lent, Day 0

2011-03-08T22:32:00.000-08:00

A year ago, I participated in Lent and found myself laying down one of the most costly items God could ever ask me for...
and I pouted about it...
and I fought it...
and I pitied myself over having "lost" it.
And when I say: pouted, fought and pitied...I mean them to the ugliest definition of the words that you can think of. And when I realize how ugly my heart has been over the whole thing (...for a YEAR!!!...) I feel so ashamed because I realize the time that has been wasted.

But yet, as I sit here tonight, with a year's worth of perspective to go over, I realize how much God has used my stubborn, red-headed pride to shape and mold me into a woman who is willing to go another round with Him. This year's Lent season begins tomorrow morning...and already committed to walking this 40 day journey by His side, I can feel an anxiety in my heart as I wonder:

What will He do this year?

              What will He show me and how will I respond??

                                                         Am I really ready for this???

Big questions...lucky for me, I serve an even bigger God. :o)

My "fast" this year will consist of social networking.

So why am I on the blog, you ask??

Good question!!

I am going to come here each day to lay out where I am, what I am seeing and how I am feeling about it. I am going to do that thru poetry, rambling and pictures I take on this journey. If you want to follow my progress, you are truly most welcome...but please know that I will not be allowing comments on any of these Lent posts.

Why?

Another good question!!

Part of the social networking addiction is the need to hear from other people...a need to be liked and responded to...wondering why no one has commented (...they don't like it???...) and hoping that "enough" people will read what is up. It is a cycle, vicious and insane at times...and that is not why I am going to do this. I am here to find closure in each day, to be honest and real for those who might be travelling along with me, and to give honor and glory to the One who deserves it all (and that is for SURE not me!!).

So, if you read my posts and are touched...well, I am actually so happy about that, I can't hardly explain it to ya!!! (Hopefully the fact that my "southern" slipped in is enough proof!!) But it is my singular hope that God can use my words and life to touch someone else for Him...so I would encourage you to take what you get here to Him to see where He wants to take it. (However, you are 100%, more than welcome to email me at binaspad@yahoo.com...and comments will re-open after Lent.)

Huggles to you all...it has been a long time :0)

Lent Posts:

(...note - will be taking Sundays off from posting...)

Day 1 - ...monarch strength...
Day 2 - ...hungry...
Day 3 - ...captivated...
Day 4 - ...princess...
Day 5 - ...parched...
Day 6 - ...testify...
Day 7 - ...decade...
Day 8 - ...and over...
Day 9 - ...vulnerability...
Day 10 - ...wait...
Day 11 - ...chosen...
Day 12 - ...prayer...
Day 13 - ...aware...
Day 14 - ...caught and romanced...
Day 15 - ...joy...
Day 16 - missed
Day 17 - ...refocus...
Day 18 - ...sweetest song...
Day 19 - ...factoids...
Day 20 - ...betrayer...
Day 21 - ...here...
Day 22 - ...addicted...
Day 23 - ...delivered...
Day 24 - ...an attempt...
Day 25 - ...equals...
Day 26 - ...surrender...
Day 27 - ...faith...
Day 28 - ...i know...
Day 29 - ...smile...
Day 30 - ...tears...
Day 31 - ...sure...
Day 32 - ...merciful graces...
Day 33 - ...a moment...
Day 34 - ...friends...
Day 35 & 36 - ...stuck...
Day 37 - ...crosses...
Day 38 - ...good...
Day 39 & 40 - ...finished...

Looking up as always...
...bina...

Light-hearted Follow-up

2011-01-26T00:23:00.000-08:00

On Monday I posted about the back and forth of a mind like mine...and today I am gonna follow up on that with a light-hearted post. I am sure some of you just breathed a sigh of relief since I have been so "heavy" lately...and while I won't apologize cuz, well, it's my blog and that is just where I am right now (hee hee), I am glad to see me smile too :0)

These are just some pics that a good friend and one of our kiddos pointed out to me...and I hope they can provide you the smile/chuckle they gave me!!

Remember to aim high

Don't forget to rest

Smiling...it is very important

Stay focused on the task at hand

...simply because cleaning footprints off is horribly irritating...

...'nuff said

mmmm-hmmm....

...riiiiiight...

...this one is now

hanging in my living room...

Seen any good pics/signs lately???

Taking some time to laugh while looking up as always...

...known...

2011-01-24T00:38:00.000-08:00

S~~ometimes~~ I can be so complicated!!!

I want to be lifted up so I can see what's happening through the crowd, but as soon as I am perched atop my Father's shoulders I begin to squirm to be free again. I begin to dabble in freedom and soon begin to wonder why it is that God has allowed me to get so dirty without saying anything. I run up for a huge hug and, as He wraps me up, I turn around to remember what calls to me outside of His warm grip.

Is it because I am a redhead?

Because I am a woman??

Because I have a case of child-induced, too-many-unmatched-socks-itis, what-the-heck-is-that-grossness-on-my-sink sanity issues???

I really don't know, but I can say I am so tired of being tired because I am running here and there without aim...and that's just in my head! Talking about what is going on in my real life would be the longest post you've ever seen...and I care too much that you still come here to do that to you.

Yeah...I'm a giver.

After an amazing time of honest talk with one of my beautiful nieces tonight, I came home to listen to a song she suggested...and while it wasn't an artist I would typically look up, I found myself in some of the lyrics:

"And I don't want the world to see me,

cause I don't think that they'd understand...

when everything's made to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am."

I don't want to be seen,
     but I want to be known...
They won't "get" me,
     so I am gonna hide away....
They won't "get" me,
     but I want them to try....
I want to be seen
     even in the face of a brokenness...
Cause everything is broken,
     but I need to feel whole...
I want to be His,
     but I want control...
Hmmm....

Just please tell me, those of you who may have figured it all out, that once I find the missing socks and clean that goop off the sink, it will get better...?? I laugh, but in some ways I am serious...

Talk to me...you ever find yourself here? Confirm that it isn't just me and you will be my best friend forever!!! ;o)

Listening to the GooGoo Dolls sing while looking up as always...

believe...explored

2011-01-17T00:40:00.000-08:00

I posted at the start of this new year about the one word that I found while pondering at His feet: believe.

Yeah...I was so naive then.

This past week, I found myself looking into the eyes of someone I care deeply about as tears flowed over tender cheeks. It wasn't physical pain, nor was it a simple problem to be fixed...no, that would have been as easy one. No, I sat there, face to face with someone who realized my imperfection...in a deeply profound way.

You see, it never occurred to me that anyone walking this planet would look at me and think "i wanna be just like her"... It never really made sense in my head that anyone who knew the details of who I am when the world is locked outside the closed doors would think about me and hoist me to the top of the heap, as far as people go.

For me, it never...but for her, it did.

The pain that flowed from the evidence that once upon a time, I was more immature... stumbling without a clear path... running amuck among the fences of lukewarm faith... it was a pain that rendered me speechless, grasping desperately at the hope that time could rewind to yesterday when the shadow of "real life" didn't hover behind those sweet eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Move me forward almost a week and I find myself, spread out before the Lord I profess to know...but the dark clouds of the here and now threaten to drop rain on the wishy-washy faith that doesn't know, quite yet, how to stand on its own two feet.

The only difference is that it isn't His imperfection that leaves me hurting...but rather my own lack of clear and focused belief.

As I sat with Him tonight, going over the jottings I've scribbled down since January 1st, I discovered a path...clear and precise. What I thought were daily meetings, separate and unconnected, proved to be straight lines pointing upward at such a fierce angle, I had no choice to but stop in awe and reverence...in simply profound worship.

He gave me the word believe...and I took it, happy to know that He cared enough to spend the effort on this clay pot. But, quite honestly, I didn't know what to do with it - like a girl who has never gone skiing suddenly plopped into a ski outfit at the top of an expert mountain run, I have stood and thought...but haven't really gone anywhere for lack of knowledge of what to do next.

To believe is to have faith or confidence in something... to understand something... and while I have spent a great deal of my life saying I believe in God, for the first time I am stepping up to inspect Him. While I use a lot of words to talk about my belief in Christ and His sacrifice, for the first time I am defining for myself just who He is. And while I have sung a million notes in praise of the Spirit I so long to be in touch with, for the first time I am learning what it means to know Him.

For the first time, I am being real within myself and before Him...and am seeking to learn what it is that I say I know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In much the same way, while I know that in some ways trust seems a tarnished remnant of yesterday...a new path begins here between me and her.

One with answers about what was in the attempt to lead us to what is...

One that realizes no one is perfect, but that when one admits to their faults and their mistakes in the desire to find Truth and freedom from what used to hold them down...well, it isn't perfect, but it is beautiful.

And because it is honest and it is real...it is a beauty that can be believed.

What about you? Is there anything in your life that you profess over and over...but if you really stop to think about it, you might see areas where you could devote yourself more to it? A belief...or maybe a relationship you think you adore...or maybe a moral code somewhere gone awry? Talk to me...I'd love to hear from you.

Listening to Bebo Norman's Here Goes while looking up as always...

...in the beginning...

2011-01-09T23:03:00.000-08:00

Your devoted touch
whispered over my skin,
each fragment of me
warmed upon Your gaze
by Your remembrance of me
a figure here upon newborn soil

thoughts of tomorrow
foreign and unknown
as each moment "now" thrived
pregnant with charges of love
full with expectation of You
in this world awakened

here i drowned without fear
for You beckoned sweet
i surrendered without thought
as i knew no other way
to love and be loved was "now"
perfect and untarnished

...except for then

...except for that

now i bleed within

shriveled from lack of light

broken by a simple moment

i forgot You

selling that touch for a bite

first succulent then bitter

oh my sweet Maker,

to go back i wish

to relive what I killed

my soul screams out

divided and naked i long

and now am never satisfied

in the beginning

there was You

there was me

there was peace

there was us

and now...i die

Pop over to my book review blog by clicking here to find out more about what inspired this post...or here to learn more about the author of the book: Tosca Lee's Havah.

Thinking of Eve while looking up as always...

One Word: Believe

2011-01-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

I popped over to Under Grace Over Coffee's blog and was confronted with a heart attack.

Oh, yes.

Indeed.

I posted a few days ago about my real-solutions instead of resolutions for this new year...and I thought I did a pretty good job of narrowing down the whirlwind that is God in my heart and mind right now into one blog post. So imagine my panic attack when Andrea was asking for us to pick just one WORD to describe our goals with Him for the coming 365 days!!!

Riiiight?!?!

I have a dear friend who has done this for a few years now. She spends time in prayer and deep thought... bending her own will to His for the sheer purpose of seeing His will for her life. I have always thought it was amazing that she could do it...amazing, but not for me. Surely, the One who made me to talk a mile a minute would never ask me to stop my chaos long enough to find just. one. word.

But as I read Andrea's words...I knew that He was prompting and whispering thru the Holy Spirit's excitement. I could feel the tugging to calm my own heart and mind for just a moment to pin-point the word that He has for me. In order to give me focus...steadiness...if even for a moment. Four-word descriptions poured out of my brain...three words...sheesh, I even got myself down to two pretty quickly. But ONE?? Just ONE???

I literally just sat staring, feeling myself a helpless cause because I couldn't just think of just. one. word.

Until there it was...

...singing softly as a leaf caught in a late summer breeze, it dropped down from Him to me:

Believe.

Believe that He loves me...

Believe that He will defend,
   guide,
          train,
                 empower,
          deliver,
   and lift up
this simple creature to the places where He wants me to be...
    ...despite me being who I am
                   ...because He loves me.
                                ...even tho I still can't fathom why.

And now, I sit and smile...mainly because He could get me down to just. one. word...cuz now I have nothing else to say.

What about you?

If you had to sit there and narrow it all down (and yes, you have to)...what word would you use to name your goal with Him this year?? I really would love to know...

Listening to the whisper of "believe" while looking up as always...

Resolutions vs Real-Solutions

2011-01-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

There is a small part of me that finds my jaw dropping open when I realize that it is now 2011. I still remember sitting on a basketball court in elementary school, counting on my fingers to figure out how old I would be in the year 2000. Little did I know that by the time that year rolled around, I would have lived such a...um...adventurous (??) life! And now...here we are in the year 2011...and I realize that in just three more years, I will be the mother of a high school senior, two juniors, a sophomore and a seventh grader.

I just gave myself a panic attack and it is only January 1st.

Moving on.

I have decided a few things about my blog...kind of keeping with the tradition of a New Year's Resolution...but not really as who really keeps theirs?? So rather than create a list of resolutions that won't get any further than next week (if I am lucky), I am going to make some real-solutions in order that I can find more and more about the woman He is asking me to be in this new year...and maybe, bring someone along on the journey.

First thing:
I have always felt a bit uncomfortable posting my book reviews here as it seems as tho I am trying to sell you on something...so I have created a blog just for that purpose. It is called Books...by Bina can be found by clicking here. Hope you will pop over from time to time...there is a link on the top left of my sidebar and I will try to remember to post a small link up whenever a new review goes up.

Second:
It is my desire to focus more on my writing this year...both on here and personally in my journals. (Yes, there is more than one...but that is another blog for another day.) I am going to commit to two posts a week...and if there's more, well then, skipdidoo!! :) (You will also notice a few changes to the place...what u think??)

As I posted awhile back, I realize that I find Him here...and that when I sit here, focused, His whispers begin to bubble up from the small room that I shut away all too often as real-life plays out before me. And as His voice begins to swirl, unhindered once again thru my heart...and then upwards into my mind, I see myself just a little clearer...and suddenly that which was, just moments ago, distorted and soiled sings with the clarity of the Master Painter.

Yes, sometimes it is hard to focus...and sometimes life just IS that crazy...but ~~even~~ especially then, it is most important to stop and let the chips fall where they may. It is important, not just for me (as I know I am not alone in my "issues"), to realize that there is no such thing as control ...or "mine"...because as long as this world continues on in its journeys around the sun, the only thing that is real is the here...and the now...on our knees at His feet. From the first moment I heard this lyric sung by a beautiful girl in our church, I realized that this is the true prayer of a heart longing after Him:

"Beholding is becoming so as You fill my gaze, I become more like You and my heart is changed. Beholding is becoming so as You fill my view, transform me into the likeness of You. This is what I ask for all my days that I may never look away...never look away."

~ Captivated, Vicky Beeching ~

So...there it is.

I leave you now with the lyrics that have been playing in my head all week...the words that I will be singing tomorrow in church as I raise my voice in song to the One that has captivated both my heart and my mind over this last week in ways that my words couldn't begin to touch. It is my prayer that you would read them and stop...and let Him in...right now, before 2011 goes any further in...because He loves you, just as you are.

In all that I have found Your evidence abounds.
I’ve always sensed Your fingerprints if I just look around.
And yet this grand display will all soon pass away,
So I hold on to the mighty truth that Your love is here to stay.

The love of the Lord endures.

If there’s one thing I can be sure...

...it’s that the love of the Lord endures

Life has let me down.
In wealth, joy can’t be found.
I’ve searched for peace in all of these, but I have always found:

The love of the Lord endures.

If there's one thing I can be sure...

...it's that the love of the Lord endures.

When I stumble,

When I fall,

When I’m walking ten feet tall,

Your love is there day after day.

Even at the worst extreme,

Or after I have been redeemed

Your love is there and it won’t let me go!

The love of the Lord endures...

Forever

~ The Love of the Lord Endures, Joy Williams ~

Listening myself hum while looking up as always...

Mary Hearted...

2010-12-21T11:05:00.000-08:00

Last year, I was asked to write and perform a monologue as Mary, mother of Christ, for use at our women's retreat. Just a five-minute something from her view of the boy she carried and loved as an earthly mother to a heavenly child.

I can honestly say that it was one of the hardest writing assignments that I have ever taken part of...because really?? How does one try to relate to Mary?!?! ...and yet, when I finally stopped struggling and started looking at what it was she and I may have had in common, I found not only her voice, but a place where our hearts united...as mothers and as women struggling to be who God has asked them to be.

This year, I will be taking on the telling of her story once again at our Christmas Eve service at church...and while I am taking a break from posting till after the New Year, I thought it would be a great Christmas post to end 2010 with...from my heart...to hers...to yours.

Mary

My story has been told so often.

Repeated in churches and storybooks. I have been portrayed as a woman above reproach.
Worthy.
Perfect.
Holy.
*laugh*
Well I am here to tell you my story…and it all boils down to one word: control.

You have to understand the real me: five minutes before God’s glory showed up before me, I knew where my life was going. I considered myself fully-grown and fully wise. I was engaged to an upright man and was already doing all the same duties as my own mother. My life was laid out before me and I was confident in where it was going.

Then came the well-told story of the messenger from heaven. God’s word lays out my response this amazing being but history has used them to repaint who I really am. I mean, I said yes…but you have to understand our history. This was a word from God! He was finally presenting us with the long promised and nearly forgotten Messiah! And He was asking me to be a part of it as it unfolded – of course I said yes! Who wouldn’t want to be a part of it?

But, being true to myself, five minutes after the angel had departed I knew what it was my life was going to be:
I knew that I was going to be God’s vessel for the salvation of His people.
I knew that the world would rejoice in His coming.
I knew that my family would be just as excited as I was.
*sigh*
I still remember racing home, my heart full and my smile bright. My life had changed, but the new one laid out before me was full of promise and I was confident in where it was going.

It’s a funny thing…saying yes to God. We can say yes, fully sincere in our response but only because we hear what we want to hear…we take His directions on how to cross the street and use that to create a world map.

You see, I never once thought that in saying yes to God I would be path full of heartbreak, hardship and uncertainty. It never crossed my mind that my parents wouldn’t be excited with my part in this plan.

I never could have prepared my heart for the wail that escaped my mother’s lips while my father tore his clothing.

I never would have thought I would have to answer questions on my propriety in front of my father and the elders in our community.

I would have never expected to hear my life long friends whisper and giggle as I walked past them… Nor would I have ever thought that I would be labeled a “whore”.

I never once envisioned this life when I stood before the radiating glory of God’s angel…I had no idea that this is what I was signing up for.

That all said, I have loved and trusted God from childhood so my heart was resolute and I was determined to be what He called me to be. So I dug my heart into His and I kept walking, one foot in front of the other. For a long period of time, I was so tightly tucked under His wing that I soon lost the feeling of heartache as I embraced His joy. He provided a heart change in Joseph, a great time with my cousin Elizabeth and He caused the constant stirring in my womb to remind me of my purpose.

But, even in perfection of His contentment, my heart was soon romanced back to making the plans of a settled life. I soon focused my thoughts on soon becoming Joseph’s wife and began to make my daily routines the purpose of my mind. As my abdomen swelled, so did the amazing plans that I was making for our life as a family.

Then came the census, which blew apart my plans on being settled.

Then came the journey while massively pregnant, which I don't want to talk about.

Then came giving birth on the ground next to wild animals, which I really don't want to talk about.

*laugh*

You see, I had been faithful during my pregnancy to remember that this child growing within me was not mine. While he was using my body to gain strength to enter this world, he was not of this world and therefore belonged solely to God. So you can imagine my surprise when it happened...the moment came that I just knew would never come.

It was a few hours after I had given birth. Jesus was awake and his sweet voice raised to announce his hunger. As I brought him to my breast, I looked down on his tiny face with complete awe. I stared with wonder at how God would take this tiny creature and make a mighty Savior. I lifted my finger to stroke his soft skin and as my finger made contact, his teeny fingers wrapped around my large one and he opened his eyes.

I wish I could tell you that I stayed devoted. I wish I could say that I realized that those dark eyes sparkled with the holiness of His Father. I wish I could say that I remained constant in my faithfulness to His plans. But, God help me, I lost myself that moment.

The woman who focused on God,
who tucked in close as the winds of life blew,
the woman who was chosen by God for a great and mighty act
that woman was lost to her own heart.

In that moment, all I could see was that He was beautiful, perfect…and He was mine.

Five minutes before the crowd began to chant "Crucify", I knew that God’s son was going to have to be our atonement. In my head, I knew that He had to die in order to fulfill His love for us all…but in my heart I think I had pictured a humane sacrifice. With each lash, crack and kick against his precious body, my heart tore within me.

I wish I could say that I never screamed up to heaven “Where ARE You???” as the nails were driven into His flesh. I wish I could say that I never once doubted God’s plan as my son hung on that cross. I wish I could say that I am worthy of the stories and the paintings that history has created…but as I stood at the base of that cross, I fully believed that I was severed from the God of Israel…abandoned by Him as my mother’s heart bleed within my chest.

The redemption of man came thru His blood that day…but mine came from the asthmatic wheeze of His words as He called John to my side and gave me a new son. As He placed John in my care, His eyes met mine. I wish I could tell you that I saw the compassion of a son for His mother…but I can tell you that instead I saw the compassion of God for His child. In John I found the son I always tried to force Jesus to be when He never was…and for once, God found in my heart the faithfulness that He had always wanted, but never found. My “holiness” wasn’t found in the choice to be obedient or in the birthing of God’s son…but in the walking of the path that was never mine to plan.

Hoping you remember to find the Christ in your Christmas season...

...and He speaks...

2010-11-28T19:28:00.000-08:00

conviction.

it is the element that imbeds itself into your heart and mind as a result of relationship with God.

it is the driving force that pulls me up from my pity party and back to His feet, my head bowed and my heart open for direction up and out.

this morning it came as a tidal wave, washing over me with such passionate force that i could barely stand up under it.

glory.

grace.

mercy.

renewal.

passion.

love.

it swirled and it flowed on the current of a Hand hidden behind the tapestry of holiness and sovereignty.

it swirled around me, causing a breeze that quickly became an awesome storm ~ a whirlwind of Truth and reminders of where i have been...and who He has always been, each and every step of the way.

i stood, centered in the cyclone of salvation, and the choices rang clear all about me.

jump into the ocean of reality and truth...or turn my back and stay where i've been.

...and so, given the option:

i frolick as a child new to these sandy shores...

and i lift my voice in praise to the One who brings in the waves

warm.

bright.

laughter inducing.

life altering.

rythmic.

pulsing.

fully alive.

Looking up as always...

...and for these...

2010-11-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

While I firmly believe that thankfulness is simply a state of mind...sometimes being able to keep my mind out of the state of Negativity can be a full time job.

There are many times in which the things I am thankful for are
earth-shattering...
               knee-wobbling...
                              tear-inducing...
and I am so incredibly thankful for those moments and times.

But most of the time, my "thankfuls" are
small...
         simple...
                     quiet...
                                easily missed...
Little things like...

...being willing to allow her to pull and tug on my hair for an hour as she sits behind me, learning how to make a ponytail for the very first time...and praising her 9 year old attempts.

...putting aside the things that keep me saying "not now" in order to sit and read the story that she has been writing...because she poured her heart into it and longs to share it with me.

...setting aside my pride to taking him on...one on one...just me, him and a basketball...knowing full well that the 12 year old is gonna wipe the court with me, but showing up anyway.

...realizing that the show I just muted when she walked in is worth missing out on cuz as she sits down, the light in her eyes says that what is small to me is the whole world to her.

...knowing that when she pulls me from a comfy chair to see the newest creation, it isn't because she is impatient...it is because it matters to her what I think.

...smiling even before I hit the "on" button on the phone, because inside...I already know his everyday greeting...the one that forces a girlish grin to my face as my heart races to know he's mine...and I am his.

...be willing to say "show me silly" before I try to get a real pose out of them...and laughing at what turns up:

Sometimes, the things that make me the most aware of my state of mind are the everyday, no-big-deal, run of the mill things...and I am so very thankful for these.

May the Lord be faithful to show you all the treasures in your own life as you stop to give thanks this week.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Looking up as always...

Why I Bother...

2010-11-22T19:39:00.000-08:00

Life has gotten crazy for me on this end of the screen...and I honestly thought that maybe I should just shut this blog down. Walk away and just let it go because the time it requires for me to sit and think seem too much on some days. But then...just now...I realized why I can't do that.

I have been in church since before I was blessed with memories...born and bred a regular church goer, there isn't much about the Bible that shocks me. I memorized the 10 Commandments before I even knew what it meant to lust or just how horrible murder truly was. I could rehearse John 3:16 backwards for you, because forwards got boring after so many years...and there wasn't a hymn I didn't sing to myself in the bathtub. I like going to church, being a part of a like-minded group, and enjoying the ability to worship as one unit for that hour each week.

That being said, it isn't any easier for me to grasp the depth of what it is that God calls us to on a daily basis than it is for a person brand new to His ways. I struggle...and I question...and I wonder...and I lose sight of the path, more often than I'd care to admit.

"You promised to always be with me...so why can't I find You??"

Loving fully, opening sincerely, welcoming whole-heartedly, and risking it all, over and over, in the face of possible rejection and/or betrayal from those around us??? I will be honest that it is a goal I pray towards, but is often the very stumbling block that drops me to my knees when the cold water of reality gets dumped over my head: sometimes God allows the pain and the hurt, even when it doesn't make sense to me.

"You said to put myself out there...

and I did...

and then You let this happen??"

I know I am not alone in feeling as I do about things

...which is why I lay it out here, over and over, on a public blog.

"You gave me a passion to do this...so why is that I can't do what it is that I long to do??"

I know that I sometimes say what some of you think

...which is why, when here, I don't hold back in what I'm feeling.

"All I want, more than anything, is to just be Yours...

free from my past...

so why can't I get out from under this heavy weight??"

I also know you might be able to find a road to healing

...which is why I love God so very much and keep trying,

even when I don't get it.

"How is it that I can find You in the midst of all this chaos??"

I don't eeeeven pretend to believe that I have all the answers the world needs...nor do I think that I hold the corner market in reaching out to others in His name...but I do know that when I come and pour out my heart for you to read, I often find the answers that I needed too. I do know that when I come and take off the mask that I apply so often, I find truth...that world doesn't revolve around me. I do know that whenever I take the time to sit and focus, I always find Him.

Here.

Faithful.

I have recommitted to being more regular with my posting...not for the traffic or even, quite honestly, for you (...even tho I truly love y'all more than my luggage...), but because when I stay faithful here...I tend to stay more faithful to Him...and me...and the path that I most desire to follow.

And that is why I bother...

Looking forward down the path all while keeping my heart looking up, as always...

This Is My Cry

2010-11-17T23:29:00.000-08:00

I lay it all before You because I am broken and I need Your grace, my Lord. You know me in ways I can only try to imagine, even though I know what I picture falls eternally short of the reality. You made me, placed each freckle and wrinkle; You numbered each hair and determined each breath that moves in and out of my lungs. You called my name before my parents even know I was to be...and You continue to call me to Yourself even now.

I know Your love as well as I know my own thoughts and yet I sit. Uncertain and afraid. Doubting and broken. The chaos swells around me and beckons my attention and my worship, but as I begin to fall to my knees, defeated before the giant I see...my heart screams out, sensing the danger in losing sight of the One who stands just beyond the fray, seemingly hidden and unreachable, as the giant laughs at the fear in my eyes.

Father, I know I am faulty and stained. The air is alive with the fragrance of my failure and the pain begs me to breathe it in...to digest it...to believe it. But as I fight the urge to inhale, Your sweet name escapes my lips, whispered and desperate. As I taste each sweet syllable, my ears burn from the holiness implied... demanded... desired in this moment, to help cover up what seems unfixable... unlovable... nonredeemable in the face of Your shining radiance.

The truth is that You are my reason for living...and yet I deny You with every other thought. You are my purpose...and yet I sell You out for the tangible salvation that lies to my left and right. You are my joy...and yet I forget you in the face of the pain that burns away all that I so desperately want to be. You are my God...and yet I worship elsewhere more than I bow before Your throne.

Dearest Almighty, I pray You would overlook my shortcomings, override my insecurities and, oh please, even undo the mistakes I've made in my attempts to control what was never mine to own. I lay my hands, my voice and even my life down in a broken heap knowing, with burning faith, that You can make it all a testament to Your own creativity...dedication...and salvation once again.

Oh Lord, I come with my will, bound and sacrificed...my heart, broken and scarred...my eyes, tear-filled and open...and my voice, raised to echo out my desire.
My cry, simple and desperate, is for You.
For I know that You are the glory.
Forever.
Amen.

Listening to Holly Starr's My Cry while looking up as always...

One Last Shutterfly-ified Post

2010-11-16T17:39:00.001-08:00

Ok...so I promise that I am not going to turn into a blog that advertises you to death, but I really do have to say a huge thanks to the folks over at shutterfly.com for their amazing offer that I recently posted on. Not only was I able to find a card that allowed me to fit us all in (...not to mention room to allow all the insanely lovable personalities of this household to shine...), but I was able to do it within our budget (...which just isn't much to speak of when you have five kids to think about...).

If you haven't taken advantage of the offer for 50 free photo cards in exchange for a blog post and you are one who
1) blogs
&
2) likes to send out photo cards
...do it.

Seriously...just click here to sign up.

Now.

I spent a little more than half an hour putting it all together, from picking a card to clicking "order"...and am getting my cards, complete with envelopes, for the total shipping cost of 8 bucks...and I love the cards even more than I love the price.

Ok, ok.

I promise.

That's it.

Won't bring it up again...I am just always happy when I can find a great deal and let others know about it. And, since you have made it all the way thru this post...and even though I know it's a little early (...the fact that Christmas music is already playing in stores gets on my nerves cuz 'hello?? Thanksgiving is a holiday!'...):

here's to spreading some early

Christmas luv,

from our home to yours.

All In Lights Christmas Card

Make a statement with custom Christmas cards at Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Cannot WAIT to get them in the mail, while looking up as always,

Both Shed and Still Hidden

2010-11-15T10:48:00.000-08:00

To the untrained eye, I am a cool customer.

I smile and I laugh...as always.

I look like I have it all together and so you think "She hasn't a care in the world."

But what doesn't show in that smile...

what only is seen in the depth of the eyes behind the sunglasses, purposely hidden away...

what lies in my soul, it eats at me...

cuz threatening to pull me under is something I don't ever want to confess...

or admit...

or deal with.

And so I smile...

pushing the raging storm down behind another giggle and brilliant flash of my smile...

and it works because you don't think to ask me what's wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She sits next to me, as she does most Sunday mornings.

A friendship of strength, having weathered the pounding of the world outside.

A friendship sharing, built on the same foundation of Truth.

A friendship of few words, as just one can send us both into tear-streaked laughter.

A friendship of trust, one of the few I know that is used for more than just what I see.

She sits...and as the congregation begins to focus on the message, she slips me a note, unknowingly being used by a Hand bigger than her own...

"Habakkuk 1

Went over it in Sunday School.

Reminded me of you."

Flipping over to it in my Bible, I begin to read and I find myself flooding...

               spinning...

                            desperate...

                                              undone.

Her words, simple and basic to the untrained eye, were the whispers of a Greater Love...

                 ...Who sees the storm buried deep

                             ...and begs me out, here and now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I don't wear on my t-shirt or put as my facebook status...

       what I carry and battle within is that sometimes,

                  when the world is shut down and I am alone...

I doubt.

Sometimes I need answers and discover only more questions popping up.

Sometimes I scream out to be heard and find only my echos bouncing back.

              And it hurts.

                            It bites and scratches.

                                           It leaves me broken and crying tears I won't show.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh God, how long do I have to cry out for help before You listen?
How many times do I have to yell, "Help! Murder! Police!" before You come to the rescue?
Why do You force me to look at evil, stare trouble in the face day after day?
Anarchy and violence break out,
quarrels and fights all over the place.
Law and order fall to pieces.
Justice is a joke.
The wicked have the righteous hamstrung and stand justice on its head.

It is here that I am undone and the tears build up in my eyes while I try to blink them away.

It is only this far in a chapter of a rarely-ever read portion of scripture before Truth is revealed.

The world spins and my mask falls away before the feet of my Maker...my Pursuer...and my Friend.

Barely breathing, I whisper Stop, but He pushes on as He knows He has my attention

                 ...real

                             ...alive

                                          ...fixated due to the pain now bared.

Look!
Watch and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe
even if you were told.

And for a moment, as the church and the congregation fade from my reality, I break and allow myself to admit that I am not ok...that "this" pain that I hide inside me due to circumstances that aren't fair is not ok...and neither is His apparent silence.

But, now that it is out there...

         and now that He has told me He sees and isn't yet finished working here...

                 and in the face of finally feeling seen and known,
                 I find myself willing to agree with this forthright prophet of old:

I'll wait to see what God says,
how he'll answer my complaint.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sunglasses, they block truth in my eyes from you.

                 The smile, it blinds your eyes from the reality.

                               The laughter, it lies to your ears and says "she's ok".

                                                  ...because your eyes are untrained.

But to the trained eye of my Maker,

             ...to the passionate heart of my Pursuer,

                                  ...to the connection of my Best Friend,

they do nothing but scream out,

              ...radiating my cry to Heaven's ears

                                  ...causing a scarred hand to reach out and collect the tears,

both shed and still hidden.

And it is here, that I wait.

Waiting, while looking up as always...

Shutterfly...Hmmmm

2010-11-14T01:01:00.000-08:00

I will be honest...every year, I have the intention of sending out Christmas cards with a great family photo on them...and almost every year, I wait too long OR the photo session was a wash OR ... yeah, you can fill in the blank. Last year's (...after two years of none...) turned out cute after, count them, 21 takes...

But this year, I was sent over to Shutterfly.com because it seems that they are giving away 50 photo cards to bloggers who take the time to play around on their site and then blog about it. (...if you want to find out about that, click here...)

I have just spent some time just messing around their site and found that it is actually pretty user friendly and easy to understand. (...which helps me a lot cuz when the site isn't, I tend to want to scream and throw things...) They have reasonable prices for personalized gifts...you can make the project as simple or as complicated as you want (...cuz they have lots of options to choose from...)...and they offer free shipping on orders over $30, which for me is great incentive cuz I always hate when my order jumps $20 due to shipping.

What they offer over there:

Calendars
(you can even personalize your birthday so NO ONE ever forgets it!!)

Wall Art

(Where you can turn your favorite print into a canvas picture OR create a wall decal...lemme know if you want a good of me to put up...hee hee)

And then there's tons of other fun stuff like mouse pads and mugs in the Photo Gifts section and then, of course, a wide variety of photo filled stationary, books, invites and cards.

So if you are one like me who wants to get the cards out but needs a little help to get the job done, head on over to them!!

You can find them on their website:

shutterfly.com

...OR on FaceBook or Twitter...

facebook.com/shutterfly or twitter.com/shutterfly

Well, am off to strap some kids down for a new photo, while looking up as always...

Thought Processes of the Sick Walrus

2010-11-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

Drugs are bad.

Sneezing is evil.

Don't ask me...this is the kind of thought process I have when I am sick.

Go with me on it.

Beginning with evil:

For those of you who don't know this little tidbit about me: I hate sneezing. One sneeze is fine...two, and even three, can be tolerated under proper circumstances...but anything beyond three is just plain ridiculous.

I have a cold and so I expect a decent amount of sneezing to take place. I even keep a tissue in my pocket to allow for its occassional expression. But...well...I don't sneeze in a dainty way, you see.
It is loud.
It is messy.
And it is just downright annoying.

I am now at the point of crying "mutiny" as my nose doesn't seem to capture the true essence of my hostility toward this horrific act against my right to not have to look like a loud, barking walrus in public places (driving in the car is included as public...especially after that guy laughed at me this morning...not cool. Don't like him. At all.). Hence my point: sneezing is most assuredly evil.

Now, the bad:

I don't think anyone in their right mind would argue with me that drugs are, indeed, bad. The problem comes when we forget that all "drugs" are not pills...or powder...or liquid. We have a cunning enemy who has the craftiness to transform what should be simple into complicated...what should be entertainment into a fix...what should be a simple run to Target for a pair of socks into a multi-credit card binge on Clearance end-cap items, leaving the spendee filled with guilt and hope that her husband doesn't see the full statement read-outs when the bills come in. (*ahem*)

So...

What happens when the lines are blurred...

...when we begin to justify what should not ever, ever be happening?

...when we begin to lose hold of reality, happily jumping into the playground that keep us from prayer time cuz the high of this is just too compelling?

...when we begin to lose sight of Truth cuz the urge of that is too overwhelming to ignore anymore, leaving us empty of the desire to look upward?

Quite honestly:

What happens isn't as important as what needs to...

...turn around and reach out,
ask for help from someone you trust.
Reach up,

for the Truth that freed you once
will surely set you free once again.

"Here goes nothing, here goes everything.
Gotta reach for something, or you'll fall for anything.
Take a breath,
take a step,
what comes next?
God only knows...but here goes."

Bebo Norman, Here Goes

Sneezing AGAIN, while looking up as always...

Entering The Funhouse

2010-10-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

passionate and real, the music...it calls to me,

ringing out the truth i remember and still hold down deep inside.

refractions of reality bend and break open inside...

...and as my mind plays in the fields of then

i inhale, deep.

thick and deep, the fog invades...spinning me around.

it wraps and creeps, concealing the ground and my feet below.

distortion of no bottom causes me to admit what i tend to hide...

...and as i let myself be embraced by just this moment

i let go.

...and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

for me it happens all the time...

subtle and soft, the mirrors...they start to turn.

blinding me, catching the lights that bounce like lasers off the walls.

reflections of the past move to the forefront of my vision...

...and as the places i've left become the reality for a time

i drown.

honest and aware, the exit blinks...calling me out.

drawing me, offering me the safe entrance back into the reality i love,

i find myself running to the security of today and now...

but i find that as i let go of what was to refocus on what is...

i bleed, just a little.

...guess i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...

...but here goes nothing

here goes everything..

i live for You.

i need Your strength.

i need Your help,

O Lord...

Listening to a mix of musical mix, while looking up as always...

Oh yeah...I'm hip.

2010-10-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ok so.

Diane, over at That's What I'm Here For, posted a vlog...and she did it with such simple ease that I had the thought: Hey, maybe even I could do that...and so I did...and I am actually going to post it.

**BUT**

That being said...I have a few "let's get this straight" comments before you view the video:

1 - I love my dog so much that I no longer notice his annoying habits...cuz that is the essence of love. So it wasn't until the video was uploaded and ready to go that my daughter pointed out his barking...so I apologize humbly BUT it took me 400 takes of ridiculousness to get this 30 second video and I am not redoing it. So...sit back and show some Skipper luv...and know that I will do my best to shush him next time....if there is one.

2 - That pile behind me is NOT dirty laundry (as was pointed out by another child), but rather a pile of newly donated hand-me-downs for the Bina 5. I hid the dirty pile in the other room :)

3 - You think I talk a lot via blog??? Ha ha ha...my sweet friends, you are about to witness the verbal speed that feeds my thought process. (And yes, I do think with the "...." included.)

So...now that I feel my housekeeping issues have been addressed...let me know what you think and BE NICE!

Listening to myself ramble amuck while looking up as always...

The Great Distortion

2010-10-13T16:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I am definitely one
who became a Christian with the assumption that
I was being placed on His Royal Advisory Board.

I don't know about you, but I am definitely one

who hears God say "Ok, so you are gonna go that way..."
and I take off running at full steam,

without stopping to hear Him complete the instructions.

I don't know about you, but I am definitely one

who can often read "God n Me"

a bit dyslexically, seeing instead

"Me n God".

See, though, I know I am not alone. I am not ratting out any of your secrets...instead I have an entire Book filled with the mistakes of His chosen to pull from. And while I never noticed this bit of information until I read it from Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost For His Highest" today...I was delighted to see that Moses was one like me.

Moses knew early on that God had whispered into his heart the passion of "Go get Me My peeps outta Egypt, I am gonna free them..." (...Bina International Version...) and he reacted to it.

Sadly, his reaction was one of extreme violence, actually killing someone and burying the body in the sand....a big whoopsie that he tried to hide from the One who set him afire with love for the Israelite people in the first place.

What followed that was a time spent in the desert...hiding...tending sheep, not people...as he waited for God's passionate desire for relationship to ignite a burning, yet never consumed bush as a symbol of a defined calling.

What I realize is that He was 100% right in his knowledge that God was calling him into service on His love's behalf...but he was 100% wrong in his delivery, racing forward to handle things on his own terms.

What I wonder is:
Did the desire and urgency for those people ever waiver during that time away from them?

Doubtful, if he is anything like me, which I can see that he is.

Did the heavy guilt over his reaction's actions ever ease up during his desert stay?

HIGHLY doubtful, knowing we have a bit in common.

As I read this morning, my eyes filled with tears and my heart beat with an awareness of my own reaction's actions...and the long, desert stay that has followed soon afterward as I was filled with the heaviness of having acted on my own.

All the times that I have raced into the fray at His call,

only to find myself drowning for lack of knowledge of

how to swim those shark-infested waters.

All the times when I have used my "weapons"

to fight the right fight in the completely wrong manner,

then praying it would all just go away.

All the moments when I have sat,

with my heart bleeding in my hand,

wondering why it is that I am passionate

about something that I just.

can't.

seem.

to.

do.

Yes...the truth is that God does use us to accomplish much in this world...

but the great distortion is that we

sometimes forget it is HE who does the work thru me,

not ME racing out to do it for Him.

When God fills me full of His passion, He does it with a reason.

When God calls me to a direction, He will be sure to equip me for the journey.

And when God decides to use me to reach out help people, He will provide the words.

My job, in the moments when I just can't seem to understand the why's and how come's of a God-prompted situation? ...most simply worded:

"Be still and know...

I AM WHOIAM has sent you...

and He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."

Looking up as always...

I'll Have What She's Having...

2010-10-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes God moves and you miss it.

Then sometimes, God moves and you find yourself flat on your butt in the face of how small you really are.

A year or so ago, I found a random blog and commented...and then that blogger commented over here at my place...and from there came emails, texts, phone calls and internet Bible study. God has always known my love for this sweet Iowa gal...and my utmost desire to feel her (((hugs))) just once, in real life.

And then...He moved.

Alicia, over at Life's A Journey, posted her thoughts on the fact that she was about to board a plane that was California bound...and what she couldn't have known as she clicked "Publish Post" was that my heart was feeling the same anxieties...the same "what if's"...the same "ohmygoodness's".

But it took only a second's worth of eye contact in the airport to know...when God moves, all we can is sit in awe and wonder at His amazing power to take two hearts from two states and create laughter ...sharing ...compatibility ...and friendship.

Here's to His gloriousness...and to a great friend, now...in real life.

Alicia and Bina...beachside

Yeah...we are just this awesome in person...

Listening to the laughter, even now, while looking up as always...

Bina's Pad

Missed Me???

Moving The Pad

Honesty Stinks

The Voice...on Finding Heaven

a broken hallelujah

...confession...

...finished...

...good...

...cross...

...stuck...

...friends...

...a moment...

...merciful graces...

...sure...

...tears...

...smile...

...i know...

...faith...

...surrender...

...equals...

...an attempt...

...delivered...

...addicted...

...here...

...betrayer...

...factoids...

...sweetest song...

...refocus...

...joy...

...caught and romanced...

...aware...

...prayer...

...chosen...

...wait...

...vulnerability...

...and over...

...decade...

...testify...

...parched...

...princess...

...captivated...

...hungry...

...monarch strength...

Lent, Day 0

Light-hearted Follow-up

...known...

believe...explored

...in the beginning...

One Word: Believe

Resolutions *vs* Real-Solutions

Mary Hearted...

...and He speaks...

...and for these...

Why I Bother...

This Is *My* Cry

One Last Shutterfly-ified Post

Both Shed and Still Hidden

Shutterfly...Hmmmm

Thought Processes of the Sick Walrus

Entering The Funhouse

Oh yeah...I'm hip.

The Great Distortion

I'll Have What She's Having...

Resolutions vs Real-Solutions

This Is My Cry